Life Update!!!

 Hello peeps and assalamualaikum! Wew its been awhile since the last time i wrote here. I think my last post was 2 years ago or more? Maybe because my life has been great since then hihi

So guess what, your girl is already someone's fiance! Who would've ever thought that I am getting married soon. Haha. I met my fiance last year through my close friend, Alia'. Long story short, since I broke up with my ex boyfriend, I had a crush with my ex colleague because we hang out so much and we had fun so much that i fell for him until i found out that he had a girlfriend back then. So Alia' was there for me when things happened and i told her everything. Then that was the time that she introduced me to Wan Aizat, my fiance. 

To be honest during that time, I didn't think of committing in a relationship. But things happened when PKP started again last year, we live together and we had a lot of fun together. So i get to know my fiance more through the year. I knew him since our university days actually but i was never interested to get to know him further because at that time we had our own relationship. We just hang out once i think with our friends. Because our friends are close so yeah. 

So when i get the chance to get to know my fiance better, i think i initiated the relationship. I guess? Haha. Because i remembered i ask him what was our relationship back then and he said it is up to me. Then i initiated the relationship and i told him we'll see how far our relationship will go. Then things happened when i need to attend myself to the court in Seri Iskandar, Perak because of my things with my ex boyfriend. I was in shock that time and i thought that things will end between me and Aizat. But apparently he was so understanding and he was there when i need to attend myself at the court. He drove me all the way to Perak and i settled things there. Even during that time my ex still texted me and kononnya want to be there for me kot and in disbelief that i already have a partner that time. 

After i settled things in Seri Iskandar, we went to Aizat's hometown in Taiping and alang alang tu, he introduced me to  his parents. Apparently everything went well on that day. As time goes by, he decided to meet my parents just to introduce himself. But things happen when mama asked Aizat when will we get married (when we both did not think of marriage that time i guess) But Aizat answered that question that he is planning in getting married around next year which is this year. Our plan goes on when our friend Alia' is getting married as well this year a month before our wedding. From there, we decided to let our parents meet and get to know each other officially. Then comes the merisik and engagement. Everything went so fast and so smooth. It almost feels like the movie. 

Our parents liked each other and accepted us as the way we are and now we are currently preparing our nikah and reception that will be held this year. Wishing everything goes well. 

I never thought this man that i never cared about and annoyed about once upon a time is now my fiance and my husband-to-be. We had a different kind of relationship and i can tell that its different because i can see myself happy in a different way. I know if my fiance read this, he might get a headache because of my grammar haha sorry and i love you 

No Purpose.

 Assalamualaikum and hello. I am feeling quite not in the mood tonight. I suddenly cried and get annoyed over the smallest thing. I don't even know why. 

   My ex boyfriend followed me on tumblr yesterday and updated a post saying that he missed me. I am damn mad actually but at the same time i'm trying my best to not to be affected by it. Why la he need to mess with my feelings. When i was his girlfriend, never that he ever tried to make things up again and make me feel loved. I can feel that my existence before this year is just to fill up the void inside him and that because he only love my existence. He doesn't love me that much. And now when i'm gone, he can just say that he misses me just like that. 

  I am mad because i was looking forward to our relationship before. I thought he was serious when he said that he wanted only me and wanted to be together till the end. But words are just words. His actions never showed that he wanted to have a life together with me. How many times he promised to introduce me to his mom but never once that he kept the promise? How many times that he said he only love me but there's actually someone else in his heart and mind? How many times that he fucked things up in the end? Why does he need to be like that? Why? We were so happy before he cheated on me last year. I was so excited to go through our next chapter in life together. I was excited about everything. But I guess, maybe this is a sign that we are not meant to be in the first place? 

  It is scary that, no matter how long the relationship was, how in love you were before, in the end you need to part ways because both are actually not meant to be at all. I am damn tired. So tired to be in a relationship. To start all over again with someone new, is never easy. Fuck everything. I am so damn tired with everything. I am so not in the mood. I wish i can punch my ex boyfriend in the face and let him feel the pain that i feel. But why should i waste my energy to someone that never try to fix himself first? He promised me to give himself a chance and a break from a relationship but guess what? Right after we broke up, he texted the ex that was waiting for him all this while and i guess terus be in a relationship after that? Ugh whatever

Its the end of our 6 months of being together.

 Assalamualaikum and hello peeps. I've been so busy lately since i managed to get a job and thanks to you (you know who you are) for helping me in finding a job which, for now, i am still adapting to my new working environment. A lot of things happened for these past 6 months and too much to type about what happened.

   Let me just start the story with my relationship. I was in a relationship with the same boyfriend for these past 6 months. He came back in my life again, and i guess i missed him too much, we figured things out and we got back together on 14th March. The journey was very rough i must say, with his ex girlfriend who loves him so much, still wanting him and put hopes that he might be hers one day, and with the boyfriend who confused with his feelings...I tried catching up with everything, i tried to cope with everything, i tried to accept things as the way it is, but, i guess i was too broken before, that in the end, i gave up on our relationship again after 6 months of being together. He didn't remember our 6th monthsary though. I purposely didn't wish for the monthsary. As much as i remember, we didn't even contact with each other on our 6th monthsary. 

   Its not just because of that. I discovered something that i didn't tell him about because there's no proof of the things that i knew about. He seems very suspicious in someway also. He won't even let me hold his mobile phone. He didn't show me that much of love like before also. Maybe because i've seen the better side of him before, the side of him before we broke up last year. He changed in someway. To me, he also showed how he have less interest in me and doesn’t bother about me that much. Even my pictures does not impress him that much like before. 

   He was happy with his ex girlfriend last year until earlier this year. I guess that's what make things  different this time. I guess he is okay now, maybe already get back together with his ex girlfriend. Well, i am not surprised though if it really happen. 

   I am moving on now. Of course i am sad because of the break up that i initiated myself but, i have no strength left to survive in this relationship. I guess i sacrificed too much without i realizing it. I guess i am too tired for everything. I guess i really need to give myself a space. I loved him. Loved him enough that i let him go in the end. I really hope that he will be happy. I know he will always be happy even though it is not with me. I prayed the best for him and i'm leaving for good this time. I guess no matter how many times we got back together, in the end, breakups will always find a way to come to us. It is sad though but what can we do and life must go on right?

Its weird though that we broke up on the same month we had our break up last year. 

Almost Do.

Assalamualaikum and hello everyone. Its been awhile since the last time i wrote. Just came back from Japan last week and now i'm catching up things here especially my FYP. Guess what, i still haven't started my FYP and i know im going to kill myself for that.

   Lately i've been feeling down for some reasons. Personal feelings, family, my studies. But of course, i'll just write about my personal feelings here because it is too complicated to write about others. Since i've been feeling not okay lately, there are many times that i almost contacted my ex boyfriend because i think that he is the only person who understands me so much and will help me get through my problems. His answers to all my problems always helped me and made me feel calm.

   Its hard when he is the only person who knows you very much, who knows how your families are, who knows how your social life goes. I depend myself on him too much in the past. But then in the end, i think of the solutions to my problems on my own and i keep everything just to myself. I'm tired of explaining myself to other people that are close to me. Not everyone will get it, not everyone will understand. He is the only person who knows how to comfort me when i felt miserable, when i am at my lowest. I hated to think that i don't have that someone to rely on anymore.

   Everything is hard for me since the day i broke up with my ex boyfriend. I mean, my life is never easy before i knew him but at least with his existence in the past, i have at least a place that i called home.

   How i cope with myself that always feel broken is far more worst. I can't lie to myself this time that i am strong, that i am healing. That's why im writing again tonight. I can't keep it to myself anymore. But its just for me to let go of what is inside my heart and mind. I will be better after this. I need to accept the fact that no matter how you think you are compatible with the person, that you once called home, but if its not meant to be, it will not be. Its the hardest pill to swallow. But i hope soon i will see the reason behind everything that have happened. Life is always unfair.

i miss you. that’s all i can say.