Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. Its rare of me to type in the daylight because i will usually making an update and type down all my feelings late at night. Maybe this time its because this thing keeps bothering me even when i tried to distract myself by doing all the assignments and reports.
2nd October 2019 marks 1 month since i broke up with my boyfriend and to be honest, i still can't get over him completely. There is not a day that i don't think about him and missing him. Knowing him for 4 years, making it hard for me to forget about him. Thinking that we are so comfortable with each other before, thinking that we know each other too much before, hurts me because there's no longer a place that i'm comfortable being with and there's no place that makes me feel secured and safe anymore after we broke up.
I'm glad that we can still be friends after we broke up and i'm glad that we ended our relationship in a good terms. But that doesn't prevent me from being sad because he is no longer mine. I know i am the one who made the decision to leave. I decided to make that decision not because of i don't love him anymore, but because i love him too much that i need to leave on that day. I am just too tired to face the same thing over and over again because it happened the third time this time. I hated to think that i shared him with someone else for a few months before. As much selfish he can be, i am too, selfish because i want him only for myself. And thinking that i no longer can have all of him by myself, i decided to leave on that day. I never like sharing, he knows i hated it because of my family. So i hope that he understands why i leave on that day while i never wanted to leave.
Tomorrow is our 3rd anniversary if we are still together. I think that makes it even sadder because we can't celebrate that 3 years. But, i hope he knows that, he will always remain as my best memories and everyday when i misses him, when i think of him, never that much i think about the bad things. Its always the good things and good memories that i think of everyday. Our clinginess, our cuddling, our cries and laughs, everything. How i love that we always video called even when we are so near, i always love his hugs and kisses, i missed his hugs the most, where i felt secured and calm everytime, the hugs that we always needed when we are at our very lowest. But i know, the hugs and kisses and all the love are not mine anymore and i need to swallow that pain.
He seems so happy too now. How lucky you are to always have someone to love you. But i know that you will be a better man with your new partner. I never regretted all the times that i have spent with you along my journey in UTP. Another 1 semester left then i'll be gone. Our paths might not be intertwined anymore. We might have our own paths after that. You might get married soon with your girlfriend now after graduated. Can't believe that i only attracted to you all this while when i'm in UTP. I guess because you are my first love even though you are not my first boyfriend. But you are the first person that i've been so in love with and you will always remain as the man that i have love the most. Take care there, and be happy.
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