Judging A Book By Its Cover

Assalamualaikum and hello everyone! Woa its been awhile since the last time i ranted here. Haha it looks like my new post will always started about me mentioning on how its been awhile since my last post updated.

   And yes, it will always be about my overthinking mostly. So today, here is what i've been thinking lately.

   Telling about judging a book by its cover, it will always be about how we judge something or someone based on what we saw instead of what we know. And this post, is about me, who most of the people around me thought that i am an innocent, obedient and a good girl.

   I am grateful for what God had given me. I am blessed for what i get. But i will always have this indescribable feeling when people around me keep praising me like i am a very decent one while my sister, people saw her as someone that have a loud personality and she is, but she is a very soft person inside while me, vice versa. Its not that i wanted people around me knows about my flaws and my darkside, but sometimes i...just feel uneasy because that's not what exactly i am.

   I admit that i really love cleaning, helping people, be kind to people, but i have the other side that no one knows, except my boyfriend. No one knows how rebellious i can be, how i wanted to shut people out so bad, how bad my overthinking can be, how depressed i am, how bitchy i can be (but this one is only applicable to my boyfriend), how different i can be when people push me too hard. As loud as my sister can be, she will always miss the family she will always have that soft spot without other people notice about it, while me, i will always find a way to be by myself and keeping myself away.

   But, no matter how bad i can be, no matter how rebellious i can be towards my family, i will, always, wanted to be the best for them, wanted to prove to them that i can be someone that is independent, someone that they do not have to control that much. No matter how bad i wanted to be far away, i will always come back but, not for too long, i guess.

   Thinking about myself, sometimes makes me think that no one will ever accept me the way i am if they know the real me. How they can't cope with me, how judgemental they can be. That's why, i think, most of the time, i am myself when i am with my boyfriend. It will always feels like home when he is around. He will always be my safest place. And i know i depend myself too much on him, loving him more than i love myself but, sometimes people grow when they have someone to depends on. Different people grow differently in life. I guess that's why when he is not around, i started to overthink too much, afraid being left alone. I'm sorry for being like that and if i sound selfish.